He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
