is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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