So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
