I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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