I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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