3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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