Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
