I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He better not be in your backpack
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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