Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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