bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
