I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
