im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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