I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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