not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
