the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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