i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
