New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
