Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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