I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
