I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
