"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
