Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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