I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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