My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
