i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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