Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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