I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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