Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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