It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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