what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
