Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
