i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
