Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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