i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
