Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
