blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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