he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
