Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
zippers are such a cool invention
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
