On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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