Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
