i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
