hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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