hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
