I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
