my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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