This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
