I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
