We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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