Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
