I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
