my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
